It's Not About You, It's About Them
Ever notice how, when something big happens in your life—something hard, life-altering, or deeply personal, people rush in with their opinions, advice and reactions? And sometimes, those words hit in ways that feel…off?
That’s because what people say to you is often a glimpse into their minds, their stories and their unprocessed experiences. Most of the time, it has very little to do with you at all.
Take divorce, for example. You tell someone you’re going through one, and you hear:
“Are you sure? Marriage is hard, you just have to work through it.”
“Wow, I could never do that to my kids.”
“Good for you! I’ve been miserable for years but could never leave.”
None of those responses are really about you. They’re about their fears, regrets, or beliefs about relationships.
Or maybe you’ve lost a job. You hear:
“Well, everything happens for a reason!”
“I’d be freaking out, how are you not freaking out?”
“That company was a mess anyway. You’re better off.”
These aren’t reflections of your experience, they’re projections of their worldview. Some people find comfort in silver linings. Others spiral into anxiety. Some dismiss pain entirely because they don’t know how to sit with it.
Grief is another big one. When you lose someone, people say:
“At least they lived a long life.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
“You just have to stay strong.”
These are attempts to help, but often they’re more about the speaker’s discomfort with grief than about offering real support.
The reality is, people filter everything through their own experiences, fears and values. Their words reflect where they’re at, not where you are.
So what do we do with this?
Pause before internalizing. Just because someone says it doesn’t mean it’s true for you.
Get curious instead of reactive. What might their words reveal about them?
Seek the voices that actually resonate. The ones that see you, not just their own reflections.
And when it’s your turn to respond to someone else’s pain? Try listening more than speaking, because sometimes, the most powerful thing you can say is:
"I hear you. I’m here."
Let’s talk about it. What’s something someone said to you in a tough moment that had everything to do with them and nothing to do with you?
xoxo
Cher