All Behavior Makes Sense in Context...So What Do We Do With That?
John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, taught us that all behavior - even the frustrating, confusing and seemingly irrational kind - makes sense when we understand the context behind it. Our nervous systems, shaped by early experiences and ongoing relationships, are wired for survival, constantly scanning for safety and connection.
This means that when someone reacts in a way that doesn’t seem to match the situation, like shutting down during a tough conversation, over-apologizing for a small mistake or lashing out at constructive feedback, it isn’t random. It’s a learned response, an adaptive strategy that once made sense in a different context.
Why This Matters in Everyday Life
As humans, we interact with other humans all the time. Whether at work, in our families, or with friends, we bring our nervous systems and histories into every exchange. The same is true for everyone we interact with.
Instead of personalizing someone’s behavior or assuming intent, we can shift to curiosity:
✅ What might be driving this response?
✅ What need is trying to be met here?
✅ How can I stay grounded in my own experience while allowing space for theirs?
What We Can Control
While we can’t change how others react, we can:
Regulate our own nervous systems so we don’t mirror their dysregulation.
Set boundaries based on what is healthy for us.
Pay attention to our own patterns…Where do we default to reactivity, withdrawal or people-pleasing?
Recognize when we’re trying to “fix” someone else’s discomfort instead of holding space for it.
What We Can Release
🚫 The belief that we’re responsible for managing others’ emotions.
🚫 The need to make sense of someone else’s behavior at the cost of our own well-being.
🚫 The idea that just because someone reacts negatively, we’ve done something wrong.
The more we understand behavior through the lens of context, the more compassion we can bring to others and to ourselves. And when we couple that understanding with strong self-awareness and healthy boundaries, we free ourselves from carrying what was never ours to begin with.
Where in your life have you seen behavior suddenly “make sense” when you considered the context? Let’s talk about it. ⬇️